I started off my day to an email that uplifted my spirits--

I'll understand.
I feel like these are the words that I have needed to hear so much lately, and this email touched me at a place in my heart only God knows of. I feel so understood. And not only by my friend, but--to think!--by the God of the universe who promises me that and tells me over and over again in His Word that He knows me, loves me, understands me. God has been showing me this about Him so much in the past few days at a time that I need to hear it the most. Can you even fathom it?

I was sitting, feeling so alone a couple of nights ago and thought to myself how funny it was that people really want others to know they are sad without having to tell them. How much we want others to discover our sadness themselves, point it out and be there for us without us asking. As I was sitting on the floor thinking that to myself I thought about how I might call a friend up and make sure I still sounded like I was crying so she'd know just how sad I was feeling since she couldn't see me face-to-face. Then I thought about those dramatic scenes in movies when a character is crying by himself/herself and how because we are the audience we are able to see into the private cries of the character and we can feel for the character, without the character ever having to tell us that he/she is sad. I started to get a little jealous. So I thought about how I wish there was a camera that was, at aerial view, somehow letting someone know how I was feeling. Then I realized how silly that was because it dawned on me that I never have to yearn to feel understood because there is Someone that, at all times, in all situations, who always sees me. Someone who feels me, who knows me, who fully understands me at all times. Someone who I can never hide from.

It's wonderful to feel understood. The thought made me sing. So I sang, and as I did, the tears went away.

After a 3-day grad-engage-tism (cousin graduated, other cousin's engagement party, uncle's baptism) family weekend of fun I finally settled down into my LA summer apartment on Tuesday night. With a week before the start of my internship, I've been really enjoying the down time with friends and having the cozy apartment all to myself. and, oh yeah- Daddy surprised me with a new camera! So here is some visual overload to make up for lost time :P Here's what I've been up to...

Cinnamon Mocha-Vanilla Cookies

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/05/28/marketing-ups-asian-american-lead-character/

What do you guys think? Did you know that Russell was an Asian-American character? More importantly, does the way Pixar is marketing his character have any implications for minority characters in film?

Lately. With all the people in my life, all the sacrifices and decisions I've had to make,  I feel like God has been introducing me to a whole new level of love. A kind of unconditional love that is found in the way a mother loves her child and ultimately, the way God loves us. It's a sometimes heavy and emotional kind of feeling that sits inside of me. And sometimes it is deeply satisfying, or lightweight and floating. I don't know what quite to make of it yet, but I do know that I'm being taught something that is meant to become part of me. It's beautiful and so deep I know the difficulties along the way are part of what makes it so worthy. What a privilege to even just begin to taste a piece of this kind of love.

I trust that it has all been worth it. Definitely just at the beginning of this journey... :)

---

A friend recently sent this to me:

I am learning that it's okay to give in.
I've been so afraid to stop fighting.

Sometimes we fight so much we want to give up. Because it is so tiring. So lonely. So heavy.
We fight so hard and find ourselves beating the air in tears, only to realize that it has been this way because we haven't let ourselves stop to rest. Because resting is like giving up early. and God doesn't want us to give up. But now it's nearing the end and we can't make it. All this fighting on our own. But maybe.. maybe we need to stop fighting and let others fight for us, carry us to the end. And maybe that's how it is supposed to be, how it was always meant to be. We reach the point where we can't do it anymore, and then Christianity says- BUT, wait! He can finish it for you.

I can't do it, so I'm passing it on to someone who can do it for me.
I need to rest. And let Him do the fighting for me. For us.
I know you're tired. Of course you are tired. I am starting to realize that you can and need rest. 

Giving in is different than giving up. Both involve surrender. I visualize myself throwing myself to the ground with my hands outstretched on the floor. Or just letting go. Like I've been swimming in the ocean so hard, swimming against the current, fighting to stay afloat. Fighting.. as the waves lap over me and the water around me churns and foams. But giving in says, stop. Just stop and let everything go. So I let the water swallow me, even though I know I don't want to drown. And letting go sounds so peaceful.
And when I stop fighting, when I reach the place where I just stop moving, I realize that I can give in. I can. and I will. Because now I'm floating. And I'm no longer carrying myself. And this is where giving in is different than giving up. Giving up means wanting to drown. Both reach the place where fighting is just too difficult, too exhausting, but giving in means wanting rest, giving up means wanting an end. Giving in means someone else will fight for you while you rest.


The Redemption story has never felt so real to me before. and I can't believe that I'm learning the same lessons I have been hoping for others.

I am learning to give in, as I fight for others. The enemy can't get through even when I can't do it anymore. Jesus can and will pick up where we left off. Praise the Lord.


Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
Deuteronomy 1:29-31

As a father carries his son. All the way.

---

Songs that have been speaking to my heart- 
"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
"A Little More" by Skillet
"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

Thank you, mystery person, for leaving 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 on our door. I know you didn't intend for it to be given to all of us but I think God knew some of us really needed to hear that. Er. see that. =)

Thank you, friend, for watching the "stars" with me where time and space stops. I am really grateful for you just sitting there with me.

And. I love my girls. They bring me so much joy.