• Summer days

    After a 3-day grad-engage-tism (cousin graduated, other cousin's engagement party, uncle's baptism) family weekend of fun I finally settled down into my LA summer apartment on Tuesday night. With a week before the start of my internship, I've been really enjoying the down time with friends and having the cozy apartment all to myself. and, oh yeah- Daddy surprised me with a new camera! So here is some visual overload to make up for lost time :P Here's what I've been up to...

    Cinnamon Mocha-Vanilla Cookies
          

    Moving into my summer apartment

     

    Lunch with friends, having tons of leftovers, and walking under blue skies



    Very lemon cupcakes



    Impromptu jam sessions and "karaoke"



    LoveSac love/insanity before bedtime




    Pomegranate sugar cookies
     


    Prayer to-go!



    Experimental dishes potluck dinner (green tea + broccoli?!)
     


    Exploring new places, fancy schmancy coffee, feeling intelligent(sia)

     

    it's been me and the guys so far since summer school hasn't started yet, and as it turns out, my la church fam that is sticking around UCLA for the summer consists of only the guys. haha. it's been a lot of fun with them this past week and let me tell you, their cooking is pretty impressive!

    i'm excited and pretty nervous about starting my internship soon, but super blessed knowing i'll have church fam steph chi near me @ work! she has been so helpful and of course, she's an absolute cutie :)

    well! here's to the start of summer! looking forward to what He has in store in the weeks and months to come!


  • Studying poetry//this made me stop and smile


    Bare skin almost, underworn. Warm stitched-together soft torn toy. Stuffed and laced voluptuous imaginary mammal made of lovely lumps. Dear plump-cheeked plaything taken to bed and hugged in the dark. (From Harryette Mullen's Trimmings)



    (http://tefee-stock.deviantart.com/) He kinda looks like my teddy bear, Chaucer. His lumpy, careless, floppyness reminds me of him. No camera means resorting to stock photos!

    I love being an English  major sometimes. :) One more final to go! And after defeating an epic, meaty one today (we did it, P+C!), I am actually really looking forward to the one tomorrow because I love the reading for it. So back to poetry!
    Summer almost here. I am tickling with excitement and deeply, deeply looking forward to it. More on this soon :)

    12:40 PM L: hahah
      you excited about work?
     me: yeah :) and for more time to hang out with ppl over the summer
    12:41 PM to see places
      watch movies
     L: yeah im totally excited for the summer
     me: catch up with ppl i've wanted to this whole year
     L: i feel like i ll be free
     me: I KNOW
      :)
     L: for like the first time in a years
     me: seriously. seriously.
     L: i ll be able to drive around and stuff
     me: YES
      YES YES
     L: have an apt to live in
      life will be good
    12:42 PM me: mmhmm nods enthusiastically
     L: FREEDOM
      FREEEEDOMMM


  • Up up and away!

    http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/05/28/marketing-ups-asian-american-lead-character/

    What do you guys think? Did you know that Russell was an Asian-American character? More importantly, does the way Pixar is marketing his character have any implications for minority characters in film?

  • Twelve


    Twelve cupcakes. Driven over 100 miles, hand-delivered to me at my home in San Diego with deeply encouraging words and a written card from a brother and a sister in Los Angeles.

    Blown away and incredibly moved? YES! Wow.

    Thank You. And thank you, F and E :)
    HE continues to reassure me, encourage me, and tell me to press on in the most unexpected ways at times I don't even know I need it until it happens. Of course, He knows me better than I know myself. =)

    Press on, Beloved, press on. I see you.

    TWELVE AMAZING CUPCAKES.
    I feel it immensely important to make the best use of these.
    What have I been doing with them?

    1. Red Velvet - shared between Mom and Dad
    2. Cinnamon - shared between me and my sister Cindy
    3. Red velvet - Mike's first Sprinkles cupcake
    4. Lemon - cousin Jim's surprise visit, "OOH! SPRINKLES?!" second Sprinkles cupcake
    5. Red Velvet - Jim's girlfriend, Yuen's first Sprinkles cupcake
    6. Red Velvet - shared between my disciples, Jessie and Hahnnah, their first Sprinkles cupcake
    7. White -  my own afternoon snack :)
    8. Dark Chocolate - Henry's 23987498237 Sprinkles cupcake
    9. Mocha (? Not sure what flavor it is but I'm about to find out now...) - my own early afternoon snack ;)

  • This Love


     

    Lately. With all the people in my life, all the sacrifices and decisions I've had to make,  I feel like God has been introducing me to a whole new level of love. A kind of unconditional love that is found in the way a mother loves her child and ultimately, the way God loves us. It's a sometimes heavy and emotional kind of feeling that sits inside of me. And sometimes it is deeply satisfying, or lightweight and floating. I don't know what quite to make of it yet, but I do know that I'm being taught something that is meant to become part of me. It's beautiful and so deep I know the difficulties along the way are part of what makes it so worthy. What a privilege to even just begin to taste a piece of this kind of love.

    I trust that it has all been worth it. Definitely just at the beginning of this journey... :)
    A friend recently sent this to me:

    "Years ago when I was going through something really tough as a mom, I had an older woman in my life who kept saying to me, “You know this is for you.” When I was dealing with kids being cranky or not sleeping or not eating or, you know, destroying my house or not being able to keep up with the laundry or feed them or just the myriad things that go along with mothering, she would always remind me, “You know this is not just about your children. This is for you.”

    I did not appreciate that statement back then; I really didn’t. But you know what? I understand it now because motherhood is the greatest tool I know for God to shape me and mold me and chisel me for eternity.

    As I view life from God’s perspective, from that threshold of heaven, I realize that His purposes are big picture. They are eternal. They are generational. In his book The Treasure Principle, Randy Alcorn challenges us to think about whether we live for the dot or the line. Is my life about this moment? Is it about me or is it about eternity?

    Motherhood is about eternity. It is not just about this moment. God clearly defines this in Romans 8:28 and 29. That verse where it says God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

    What is His purpose? For us to be conformed to the image of Christ. Motherhood is one of God’s very best tools for that molding, that conforming in our life.

    And then we must become women of the Word. Only the Word of God contains the instruction we need to see God’s perfect will accomplished here on earth in the lives of our children. We must settle the issue of the sovereignty of God, of the authority of His Word in our life. It will take a lifetime for us to learn all that is revealed about God in His Word. We will never run out of instruction if we are faithful students of this book.

    Just as we feed our children physical food, so we must be spiritually nourished ourselves so we can impart truth to our kids. Proverbs says the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up wisdom for the upright. He is a shield to those who walk in integrity.

  • Luke 15:11-32

    And I'm still amazed when I think about the day that I returned.  Blinded by my own addictions and grief, I began my journey expecting rejection, but secretly, secretly hoping for mercy. And while I was still a ways off rehearsing my lines, you saw me  and you ran to me... you ran to ME! And I began to speak and I said, "Father... I've been unfaithful and I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

    "Welcome home son, I've been expecting you!
    I AM FAITHFUL! And I will always be your faithful father."

    - Brian Doerksen

  • Giving in (to something heavenly)

    I am learning that it's okay to give in.
    I've been so afraid to stop fighting.

    Sometimes we fight so much we want to give up. Because it is so tiring. So lonely. So heavy.
    We fight so hard and find ourselves beating the air in tears, only to realize that it has been this way because we haven't let ourselves stop to rest. Because resting is like giving up early. and God doesn't want us to give up. But now it's nearing the end and we can't make it. All this fighting on our own. But maybe.. maybe we need to stop fighting and let others fight for us, carry us to the end. And maybe that's how it is supposed to be, how it was always meant to be. We reach the point where we can't do it anymore, and then Christianity says- BUT, wait! He can finish it for you.

    I can't do it, so I'm passing it on to someone who can do it for me.
    I need to rest. And let Him do the fighting for me. For us.
    I know you're tired. Of course you are tired. I am starting to realize that you can and need rest. 

    Giving in is different than giving up. Both involve surrender. I visualize myself throwing myself to the ground with my hands outstretched on the floor. Or just letting go. Like I've been swimming in the ocean so hard, swimming against the current, fighting to stay afloat. Fighting.. as the waves lap over me and the water around me churns and foams. But giving in says, stop. Just stop and let everything go. So I let the water swallow me, even though I know I don't want to drown. And letting go sounds so peaceful.
    And when I stop fighting, when I reach the place where I just stop moving, I realize that I can give in. I can. and I will. Because now I'm floating. And I'm no longer carrying myself. And this is where giving in is different than giving up. Giving up means wanting to drown. Both reach the place where fighting is just too difficult, too exhausting, but giving in means wanting rest, giving up means wanting an end. Giving in means someone else will fight for you while you rest.


    The Redemption story has never felt so real to me before. and I can't believe that I'm learning the same lessons I have been hoping for others.

    I am learning to give in, as I fight for others. The enemy can't get through even when I can't do it anymore. Jesus can and will pick up where we left off. Praise the Lord.


    Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
    Deuteronomy 1:29-31

    As a father carries his son. All the way.
    Songs that have been speaking to my heart- 
    "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
    "A Little More" by Skillet
    "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

    Thank you, mystery person, for leaving 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 on our door. I know you didn't intend for it to be given to all of us but I think God knew some of us really needed to hear that. Er. see that. =)

    Thank you, friend, for watching the "stars" with me where time and space stops. I am really grateful for you just sitting there with me.

    And. I love my girls. They bring me so much joy.

  • Relentless

    Yes, it's 5 a.m. Lots of things on my mind and heart. Heavy things but things worth having. I wonder what He's up to. I stayed up doing something artsy- arranging and rearranging this Xanga so I'd find more reason to want to write in it more. It's late.  I love being awake while the world is sleeping. I feel like I can think better, feel better, sense and touch better. No demands from anywhere. Just me, here, thinking and listening to my clock tick. The consequences of staying up make me a little nervous, but tomorrow is Friday. TG.

    "I wonder where you are and when you are coming back."
    I cried in someone's lap today. Then later, someone else cried in my arms.
    It was a very, very eventful day. A heavy day, but a meaningful one.

    And because we are crying out to God in our own different ways, the tears and the genuineness, the need and the brokenness, it is so beautiful. I picture all of humanity, crying out to the One who made the universe and the One who can actually satisfy and answer. It's beautiful because there's hope and He is relentless in His pursuit of us. In all our own individual cries.

    A few things I'm learning:
    - Love is relentless, completely and utterly selfless, and tears are a result. The depth of love I am feeling and experiencing is only made possible by Him and with Him. Jesus wept. 
    - To love deeply, intimately and intensely. Without reservation and at the risk of no return. The way He loves us. We love because He first loved us. Without reservation. Deeply. Intensely. At the risk of us choosing to walk away.
    - When I have no answer, the Cross is the only answer I am left with and can be left with. "It is finished" meant completion. Resolution. I want to feel that resolution as my hope and hope for others.

    It's not easy, learning all of this. Feeling all of this. But God's up to something, doing something and all of this just shows me that He is moving.


  • Desiring Perfection


    Imagine such a church for a moment. Here's Andrew: he sometimes uses porn because he struggles to find refuge in God. Here's Pauline: she sometimes has panic attacks because she struggles to believe in the care of her heavenly Father. Here's Abdul: he sometimes loses his temper because he struggles to believe that God is in control. Here's Georgina: she sometimes has bouts of depression because she struggles to believe God's grace. When they come together, they accept one another and celebrate God's grace towards each other. They rejoice that they are all children of God through the work of Christ. And they remind one another of the truths each of them needs to keep going and to change. It's a community of grace, a community of hope, a community of change.

                                                                                                                                         Tim Chester


    Hoping/wishing/deeply desiring the same so much, especially right now. Our leaking jars point us all the more to how much we need Him. Perfection on earth would leave out our necessity of God.

    And so, we pray and hope we can be this for people and hope and pray that by us doing so, it will give them the permission to do the same.

    And then we will wait, TOGETHER, for HOME. When all these desires can be and will be satiated and deeply fulfilled.


  • Art and Multi-Majoring in Life

    I just glanced through a friend's art blog. I had no idea she was into art. All of her works are so beautiful because they are divinely inspired. Mm. She used to be an English major, y'know. Recently switched. Makes me think of what I wanted to do.

    I miss art and part of me wishes I tried applying for design media arts again or thought about being an art major. I'm kicking myself because I haven't drawn, really drawn or painted anything, in a long time. It's easy to blame my lack of art-ing on the fact that I'm not an art or design major. (as opposed to accepting the fact that if I managed my time better I would have the time to cut, paste, paint, ink as much as I want.) Okay, I'm a little bitter at time.

    There's so many things I want to do! To learn! To swallow up and take inside me. I want to read pages and pages of books about all sorts of things, I want to learn about anthropology, sociology, explore a new language, take art classes, travel, take photographs, write songs, go to grad school, work at a coffee shop, drink in more and more things, cultures.. there's so much to learn! If I had my way I would be a quadruple major minoring in 8 different other things, with night time art classes and weekend advertising creative classes, sunday afternoons at museums, and every morning I'd be serving people coffee at a nearby coffee shop. Oh yeah. And I'd travel the world on my own during holidays.

    What to make of it what to make of it.
    Maybe I'll ask God.

    I read something I really loved in Isaiah this morning. I will go draw that.

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